Boundaries - To Set or Let Go
Let’s talk boundaries.
For someone extremely emotional and empathetic, like me, boundaries go everywhere with me.
Like a combo flashlight-and-taser, both usefull and protective, I never leave or interact without holding my boundaries in the back pocket of my brain.
A life without boundaries may seem carefree and self assured, but I can tell you that if you have little to no boundaries you run the risk of being left feeling disrespected or violated. You may feel boundaries are an unnecessary killjoy to your free flying life motto - “I’ll just say something if anything ever bothers me.”
All may seem well until the day that something rubs you the wrong way and you don’t understand why or cannot express and uphold this boundary with people.
Setting healthy boundaries is essential in maintaining mutually respectful relationships with family, friends and your partner. They lead to a life with less stress, better self esteem, and improved communication with those around you.
Sierra
Unfortunately we don’t carry a spreadsheet of our boundaries around with us when interacting with people, so it may get overlooked or seem irrelevant to worry about. However, if you don’t express and defend your needs and wants to yourself then you will be left feeling some type of way about the violation for a while after. If your boundary is a line drawn in the sand and you overlook those walking across it, before you know it all you’ll see is footsteps and you won't even know where your boundary lies.
You must find your voice and use it.
By assessing yourself and setting boundaries based on what you need, you are setting the standard for every person who enters your life.
From your intimate relationship, to your relationship with your coworkers and family, to your finances - you have control over the outcome. If you want things to change, identify the issue, voice your need, and stand firm if you feel strongly about it. Sometimes you may have to have a more flexible boundary, such as in the situation of roommates sharing common areas, for example. Be understanding as to where another person is coming from as well. They have emotions, needs, and boundaries of their own.
But so do you. And you are the only person living your life and making your decisions. So don’t feel like you can’t address something that happened, was done, or said. You can and should make the necessary changes to improve the nature of the relationships around you.
By assessing yourself and setting boundaries based on what you need, you are setting the standard for every person who enters your life.
Notice who makes you feel a certain way. And then look at why. If you always feel happy talking to your best friend, the reasons may be that level of comfort stems from mutual respect, interests, and loyalty. If someone constantly puts you down and criticizes you, you may not look forward to interacting with them. There is a reason behind your emotions and sometimes you just need to look around to see why.
The Set Up
SELF REFLECT OF COURSE
START SMALL AND NON NEGOTIABLE
BE CONSISTENT WITH EVERYONE
CONSIDER THINGS THAT AFFECT YOUR BOUNDARIES
NOTICE THOSE WHO DO NOT RESPECT OR CONTINUALLY DISREGARD YOUR BOUNDARIES
CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF AND ADJUST YOUR BOUNDARIES OR ADD NEW ONES IF YOU FEEL ITS NEEDED
TALK TO THOSE IN YOUR INNER CIRCLE OR FAMILY ABOUT WHY THESE BOUNDARIES CANNOT BE DISRESPECTED AND WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, WHO ELSE WILL?
After you have determined the root behind the issue, you can voice your emotions and thoughts to those around you. If they are understanding and respectful, crossing these aforementioned boundaries shouldn’t be a problem.
It is your life, body, thoughts, and emotions. You can determine what is done with them and how you feel. Because you already know something is not okay for you, when you see it, address it. If it doesn’t change, remove it. You don’t need people or habits purposely or mindlessly causing you harm. If they care they are aware of your well-being and wishes.
Boundaries Don’t Just Apply to Emotions and People
You can have more boundaries with your finances, or your relationship with drinking, or working out. These can look like: "I won't have more than 2 drinks." or "I will not sleep past 10:00 am." The more structure, the more clear direction you have for your own actions and choices as well.
You can be more disciplined if you would like to be.
Accountability is a great boundary as well. Not only for others but for ourselves too. If you don’t give the luxury of excuses, then that behavior or action has nothing to cling to. It simply has to be dealt with.
If you excuse sleeping in everyday by being tired, well you're tired everyday, so you will probably continue to sleep in late.
If you tell yourself you won't drink and then allow your friends to convince you into getting drunk, then you need to check in with their respect of your Non Drinking, but also check in with yourself.
You can say no.
Hold yourself accountable to your own choices as well.
Don’t overwhelm yourself in trying to construct an elaborate system of boundaries and rules right from the get go. Take the time to understand why you feel this way and what will be the best solution for avoiding that down the road. You can always add more, update, or even do away with the boundaries you see fit.
Don't forget: Your life and choices are yours only. What will you do with them?
Learn all about who you are and what makes you tick. Respect others and what they ask of those around them. Respect and defend yourself.
And most importantly, live and love like art - beautifully!
